tiny_dancer27

05 February 2009 @ 02:51 am

(_) I have never been drunk
(_) I never have smoked pot
(_) I never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
(X) I never have kissed a member of the same sex
(X) I never crashed a friend's car
(X) I have never been to Japan
(_) I never rode in a taxi
(_) I never have been in love
(X) I never had sex
(X) I never have had sex in public
(X) I never have been dumped
(_) I never shoplifted
(X) I never have been fired
(_) I have never cut myself on purpose
(X) I never have been in a fist fight
(X) I never had a 3-some
(X) I never snuck out of my parent's house
(X) I never have been tied up (sexually)
(X) I never been caught masturbating
(X) I never pissed on myself
(X) I never had sex with a member of the opposite sex
(X) I never have been arrested
(_) I never made out with a stranger
(_) I never stole anything from my job
(X) I never celebrated New Year's in Time Square
(X) I never went on a blind date
(_) I never lied to a friend
(_) I never had a crush on a teacher
(X) I never celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
(_) I never have been to Europe
(_) I never skipped school
(X) I never slept with a co-worker
(X) I never have been fisted and/or have fisted anyone
(X) I never have thrown up in a bar
(X) I never have purposely set myself on fire
(_) I never have eaten sushi
(_) I never have been snowboarding
(_) I never have been happy with myself
(_) I never have met a movie star
(X) I never had sex in a pool
(_) I never went to a prom
(X) I never bungee jumped
(_) I never have been to a pop concert
(X) I never have dated someone for over a year
(X) I never sold naked pictures of myself
(_) I have never been in a car accident
(_) I have never seen a dog naked.
(_) I have never slept in the nude.
(X) I have never had a one night stand.
(_) I've never eaten cheesecake

Current Mood:

bored

Current Music: something corporate - letters to noelle

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31 January 2009 @ 07:44 pm

help.

fell back into a bad depression again. stayed up for about two days and would just randomly cry. i would be sitting in class, not thing about a thing, and i would just start crying. it started becoming unbearable. i felt really worthless, and undeserving of life. i even made a list of reasons why i hate myself.

i started eating massive amounts of food again. i just didn't care. i didn't care about being thin. about being perfect. about having control. i just didn't care. i felt like i didn't deserve any of those things. i felt like i was working my way to get to something that wasn't really mine in the first place.

it was horrible.

i'm not sure if anyone else had felt that way before, but i was sure that i did. i feel better now, but it still sucks a little. i've gained all my weight back and i am going to start fresh tomorrow. hopeful i won't fell into that cycle again.

CW: 130.0 lb
GW1: 123.0 lb
DL: feb 9th

"Becuase I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me. The carriage held but just ourselves, and Immortality."

Current Mood:

blank

Current Music: jeff buckley - hallelujah

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26 January 2009 @ 09:47 pm

change.

so i haven't posted in the longest time and i am terribly sorry.
i've been really depressed lately. like incredibly.

i've had so much work to do at school, and I couldn't handle things with me weight at all. it was horrible. i hated it. I was just feeling completely worthless and unecessary in the world. when i get like that i don't like being near other poeple which is why i felt the need to not come on here for about a week or so.

but the good news is i am over it. compleetly and utterly. i'm not at all happy about my weight. or school for that matter. but i know that there are other things in life to focus on now. there are things that i can change, and things that i cannot. all that i have to do to satisfy myself is to change thie things that i can, and to accept the things i can't

so i promise i'm over myself.

i met a boy. which was interesting all on it's own. he goes to my school and is in my group of friends. we barely ever talk but whenever we drin together, we have these intense deep conversations. he is the nicest person i have ever met and would do anything for nayone in the whole world. last week we were walking somewhere and it was raining so he gave me his hoodie. he is just entirely amazing. i reeally like him a lot but i know that he has a girlfriend. he syas everyday that they are going to break up but they never do. i am waiting to see what happens but in the mean times i just want to be near him until he decides what to do.

i just like htis boy so damn much.

i did pretty well todya. brought my diet back and i went to the gym for an hour and then had a salad for dinner. now i'm having some lax which should help me out.

CW: 129.2 lb
GW1: 123.0 lb
DL: feb. 9th

"The distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wan't the world, it wasn't bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorence bliss, i don't know, but it's so painful to think."

Current Mood:

optimistic

Current Music: avril lavigne - anything but ordinary

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13 January 2009 @ 10:55 pm

yay!

so today wasn't so bad. i did my detox plan and it worked. i made the drink, drank it all day and i lost 2 pounds!! 2 pounds in a day and i've never felt happier. i know that two pounds is nothing compared to the amount of weight that i want to loose. but it is better than not loosing weight at all. or god forbid gaining wieght.

i did have to pee an extreme amount all day. i aso felt pretty tried. i was hungry as i would with any regular fast so the drink never filled me up as some people claimed it would. but it did curb my appetite a little bit since when i was hungry i would drink it and the taste would trun me off from food.

today was my second day of classes which went pretty well. i had psycology which wasn't bad at all. it was actually pretty interesting, since i really am intrigued by the way that the mind works. i think it will be a really good class. and it is nice to have a class to look foward to that i think i can get an A in because i am aiming to get straight A's this year. i'll need it.

i'm nervouse to go to bed becuase I really do not want to talk to my advisor tomorrow. she is a very rude and cruel person and i am already in a bad enough state that i am afriad she will say something to me that is going to really set me off.

i've been feeling very worthless lately. i feel like i have no real cloase and personal friends. not that they aren;t cloase and personal but i feel that i don;t matter enough to them. i shouldn;t say that either becuase i feel like that sounds like i am being a brat but what i am trying to say is that i see poeple togther all of the time. i see girls who once something happens to them they immediately have to run to the phone and call someone else. know people who can;t go a day without talking to somone. when they cry, laugh, or want to scream, they want to be near this person. and i feellike i don't have that.

it is probably my fault i am sure. it wouldn't suprise me if a lot of people think that i am a horrible person. not in the mean sense. but in a way that i was fat, or ugly, or awkward, or just painful to be around. and i also know that i don;t talk about anything. not a thing in my life or emotional state do i feel free to talk about with anyone. and yes, events in my life, and the influence of different people have probably made that a big affect on me. but i still feel like it is my fault. which it is.

mostly my problem is, and i;m not sure whether or not i;ve mentioned that here before, but it isn;t that the future freaks me out. it isn't that i picture it and i'm unhappy with it. it is that i can't picture it at all.

"it's a shame that we have to live, but it is a tragedy that we only get to live one life."

Current Mood:

pensive

Current Music: motion city soundtrack - attractive today

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12 January 2009 @ 11:39 pm

fail.

so i feel like i am failing at life. once again. i have to go talk to my advisor wednesday and am already dreading it!!! she is the most hateful person in the world. and i can;t wait until she tells me what a worthless piece of crap i am!!!!

on another note i attempted to do a detox today. i made myslef drink it the whole day and when i got to dinner my friends harassed me for not eating dinner. so i had to eat so i have to start over tomorrow. can you say...

EPIC FAIL??

"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways."

Current Mood:

disappointed

Current Music: the pixies - wave of mutilation

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31 December 2008 @ 02:09 am

ghosts.

so today was fun. i ran around all day doing errands and then all of my friends came over for a holiday party. i got told i looked like i lost weight which made me feel good i suppose. except for the fact that i completely binged like you couldn't believe and i couldn't even purge becuase my friends were around.

i started to but one of them knowcked on the door and asked me if i was okay. i couldn't bring myself to continue to purge witht hem listening. it sucked big time.

i refuse to weight myself becvuase i am pretty sure that i gained all of the weight back. but i suppose that there is nothing that i could do about it now.

while we were all hanging out we were telling ghost stories and it sscared the living hell out of me. i was literally getting goose bumps. two stories involved people that i know.

one of my friends cousins was babysitting for a family that had just moved into their house. as she was putting the kids to sleep she saw a statue and was really creeped out by it. she called the mother and asked her if it was okay that she carry the statue into a closet. the mosther told her to get the kids, get out, and call 911. she called and the police came and a midget had broken into the house and posed as a statue and was watching her the entire night.

a second friend's cousin went camping with her friend fro five days and each day they moved to a different location. they took picture everywhere they went and when they got home they got the picture developed. after looking through the pictures, they realized that each night there was a picture taken of the two of them while they were sleeping.

creppy! and it is 2:27am and i really should go to bed.

fuck.

" What would i do with a million dollars? Besides to chicks at the same time? Nothing. I would relax... I would sit on my ass all day... I would do nothing."

Current Location: watching office space

Current Mood:

scared

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29 December 2008 @ 11:31 pm

my heart.

i went to the city today which was pretty fun. I bought clothes with a giftcard which would have normally made me entirely depressed but i've lost a little weight so i felt better. still irritated by the fact that i am not stick thin of course. but all in all it was still fun. i had got some pretty kick ass glasses and some nice clothes which i felt like i deserved since i haven't bought anything for myself in quite sometime.

after i went to dinner with three of my firends from highschool which also made me feel pretty good becuase i hadn;t seen them in a while. the food was so good which of course was awful.

i got home and played wii fit for a while which was fun and now i am laying down relaxing watching one of my favorite movies of all time.almost famous. it is just so great. it reakky nakes you feel amazing. easliy my top five are

Almost Famous
High Fidelity
Girl, Interrupted
Love Actually
Dead Poet's Society

without a doubt. though i must say, igby goes down is pretty classic. but i don;t think i would say it is one of my favorte. regarless of which i am probably going to look up pictures after this. read a little. and then go to sleep.... pretty relaxing.

tomorrow's a little hectic. drop my father off at the ferry at 6am. buy harispray. buy bagels. find my friend's house. get my eyebrow's waxed. come home. shower. get dressed. get coffee. actually go to her house for a chat (and bagels.) go to the mall to return some things. go to the bank. come home. shower again. and get ready for my friends to come over for the holidays.

speaking of which, 6 pounds down. 7 pounds by tomorrow. 8 by new year's eve. 10 by lunch. wish me luck,

now that all of that's aside...

lately i have been having this feeling like my heart is pounding out of my chest. i don't mean that in a panicky quilty way, that my heart is just beting fast. i have become very aware of my own heart beat. every ounce of blood it pushes therough my body i feel. i feel it beat and i feel blood rush through my body. when i lay on my side i feel the muscle contrast. i feel it hit parts of my body as though it's struggling.

i don't know what's wrong.

"And here I am telling secrets to the one person you don't tell secrets to."

Current Location: the not so living room.

Current Mood:

relaxed

Current Music: elton john - mona lisas and mad hatters

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28 December 2008 @ 11:44 pm

self evaluation.

so nothing really that important happened today. after i posted yesterday i couldn't fall alseep at all. I was up all night doing absolutely nothing. at around 7:30 i decided i wanted to go run. it wasn't as successful as i had hoped but at least i ran. i got home an hour later. i didn;t really run for the full hour, but i drove around a lot and sang at the top of my lungs. got home, and then i was about to jump in the shower and as in my head i am mentioning to myself how i can't believe i am still awake...  i fell asleep before i could even know i was alseep.

woke up around 1:30 am. sucessfully cleaned my room. well, there is no more shit on my floor but it will be sucessfully cleaned once i get off the computer.  i watched a couple of episodes of six feet under which were amazing. had dinner. threw up alot. showered. continued to clean my room.

the worst part is now it is going on 12 am and i am still wide awake. despite the fact that i only caught a little over four hours of sleep. i think i am actually going to be able to go to sleep tonight but now i am afriad i will over sleep becuase all of my sleeplessness will catch up with me. but who knows.

i am off to the city tomorrow which should be pretty fun. at least i am getting off of my ass and out of my house. no matter what it was i was doing it would feel better than sitting in my room watching abother day pass me by. i also lost three pounds today which was definitely very exciting.  i know that that means that I am probably going to gain a poud or two in the next couple of days. or not loose anymore weight. but i am just going to say that i will continue to loose a pound a day. optimism is always bets! =) and besides, i didn't expect to loose 3 pounds in a day so that's good. so that means for my friends holiday party 2 days away i'll be 5 pound lighter than my original weight. new year's eve is 3 days away, that's 6 pounds. lunch with a friend is 5 days away, that's 8 pounds.

god i wish.

one thing that got me really going today was some self evaluation quiz that duke put online. bascially they ask you questions and you answer yes, no, or unsure and the more yes's there are the more they ask. after a long series of questions they list "possible problem areas in which you could be suffering."

i knew exactly what i was getting into when i read this but it was still hilariously depressing. or depressingly laughable. whichever you'd prefer. so hear are my results.

SUICIDAL WITH MAJOR DEPRESSION
POSTTRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
ANOREXIA/BULIMIA NERVOSA
BIPOLAR DISORDER
PANIC ATTACKS WITH ANGORAPHOBIA
ALCOHOLIC TENDENCIES WITH WITHDRAWALS

isn't that cute? i thought it was pretty funny actually. i asked one of my friends to take it to loves to wallow in self misery like i do and she thought it was funny. she's a little worse off then me though.

not that she has more problems then me. it's just that her biggest problem is that she is too normal and she has to pretend like there is some secret eating away at her. she pretends she never talks about things but she tells you her whole life story but pretends you're the only one she tells. she tells you about horrible things she does and then is like oh my god never do it. it is so horrible. she's just very selfish and she has no idea what other people are going through. it used to drive me crazy but now it just makes me laugh.

it seems like lately more htings have just been making me laugh. i don't mean make me laugh as in the you just watched the funniest thing that maks you want to pee your pants type of situation. i mean the laugh that makes you shruge your shoulders and half smile while making the smallest laugh possible. the kind of laugh where you would have to say "that's funny" to everyone around you just so that they know that that was actually a laugh. you know, that kind of laugh.

i think it is because i am beginning to care less and less about things. i am statring to fele like nothing is that important to me anymore and nothing realy matters in the long run. i don;t mean that in the depressed and worthless sense either. i am prefectly content with it. i just really feel like there are few things in life that matter to me anymore. becuase when it comes down to it, nothing lasts, so why pretend like it does?

god i sound like i should be writing a column for emo magazine.

i can't apologize enough.

"I've hardly been outside my room in days, it just seems i don't deserve the sunshine's rays. the darkness helped until the whiskey wore away. and it was then i realized a conscience never fades."

Current Mood:

apathetic

Current Music: missy higgins - the special two

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28 December 2008 @ 03:41 am

beginning.

So I finally joined the live journal network. I know that no one is reading it but i still feel the need to post things. I think I just like the fact that I am able to get things off of my chest. I am never able to talk about things. ever. I am far better at writing them out. But I never had the time or energy to keep a diary. All I know is that I need time to change my life in some way because it isn't going in a positive way. And I figured if I wrote, and no that no one was reading, that it might help me. I mean I am sure that someone is going to read something along the way, but I don't know that they're reading it. And I also don't know them personally, So i guess that there is some boost of confidence that comes from being mysterious and unseen. Or at the very least a knock to my ego at opening up to people that I know. Sick isn't it.

I've spent my first semester at college and I blew it. I'm in an intensive program and I fucked up every single step of the way. I panicked about every exam I took and did horribly and I have to suffer the consequences of being too emotionally distraught to focus. I got lost and I fucked up. I finally got the chance to do things on my own and I failed miserably. And that has to be one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.

I question everything I had decided to do with my life. I question every decision I have ever made and the worst part is that I can't help but think they would have all been different if my mom were still alive. I hate feeling like things are her fault, but I know I wouldn't have been where I am if she were hear with me. I dropped out of my program in school and am trying to focus on as many things as I can that don't involve school but I am starting to think that it isn't possible anymore.

All I can think about now is control. I have to wake up every morning with a regimented program. I have to control the way I look, the way I act, what I eat, what I watch. Every single aspect of my life I have to control. just to feel like I am actually capable of being in this world. So that I am able to feel like I am able to do things, that I'm capable, and I'm not a failure.

God, how fucked up am I.

All I can concentrate on now while I stay up all night are my plans. I'm trying to loose a pound a day. Which yes I know isa incredibly dumb. And yes, I know isn't possible. And yes, I know that I am just setting myself up for disappointment but I can't really do anything else. And I am a fuck up anyway so I can't possibly be more let down by myself.

I swear I'm not really this depressed. It's just the things that I write about are all the things that depress me.

I have 3 days until my friends holiday party. That's three pound light. 4 days until New Year's Eve. 4 pounds lighter. 6 days until I see someone I haven't seen in a year. 6 pounds lighter.

wish me luck.

"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living."

Current Mood:

exanimate

Current Music: teegan and sarah - i just walked back in your head

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